Saturday, December 22, 2007
::291:: Time
I do reckon that it is time for me to blog something down instead of filling the spaces with lotsa songs tat most prob dont mean anything to anyone but me. I do sometimes think that after a while of such lousy postings that people will just stop visiting this area in total, that includes me.
Everyday I will log into this page without fail perhaps hoping for something new to appear. I do realised that I am the owner and thus nothing would appear unless I choose to make it so.Hoping for something to happen outta nothing, that just pretty much summarises my life now doesn't it.
Been back for roughly more than a mth and soon ppl ard me will move and be gone again. Then I would have follow on and travel back to the dreadful land of no water again.
Difference? None.
I am in a mess.
Physical and Mental. It is totally possible to lose interest in everything around you at a go? Apparently so. Yes I know that acceptance to reality is a choice and we can all be happy-go-lucky ard the tree if we want to.
I cant or maybe I dont want to.
Wether is it a choice to be stubborn or a weakness tat is outta my control I dont really know. Deep down I read that I dont really care. What is the difference if so?
I do not crave for pity so please dont think I am pulling off the poor kitten on the street act. I am just tired and well....very much bitter....of me.
Moving on or not is not really the issue that I am considering.(yes I know I am sorry to the ppl who have force me to and I pretended to try.)
I am jus frustrated at the world for crushing my naiveness of self-indulgence and theories. Btw this is not a complaint or ruthless scream of attitude as of the previous spoilt me would gladly throw at any other moving souls tat pass me by.
This is nothing but just me and myself rationalizing.
I appreciate the entertainment tat I require so much to take my mind away from this unseen air block that locks me in from the rest of the world and I am really greatful for ppl who listens and trys to pull me outta it. so thanks. but somehow it not about snapping outta it. there isnt really an
it to begin with.
Have I lost you yet? Great I'll meet you there.
Having everything tat u believe in and everything u hold crush right in front of u. Yours hands are not tied but there is nothing u can do. Ouch? I dont know really cos it as my sense of touch left with the other 4 senses tat were ard before this.
It purely just rips everything esle tat is left within. Which you should picture now is like nothing but the empty shell.
The scary thing is that I think I am starting to dwell in this dark bitterness tat seems to appears from no where and yet within. I am starting to get eaten into by this great massive emptiness tat is overflowing with control. Almost like a black hole that inverts the physical of ur body to the inside, which is like a black vaccum space of nothing.
I know, you think I finally lost it. I am afriad I have to.
As complicated and non/ no sense as the above may sound, it all pretty much makes sense to me. Well not exactlly sense but really wat I can really put into words onto wat is happening to me.
I hate to be me. I hate to see me. I hate to feed me.
There is just so little of me tat I see in myself and I am jus in sudden lost of direction.
I sit in a room without any sign that shows that it is a different room from any other possible room and I ponder about nothing.I swear it feels like a mental Black hole and your floating somewhere in space. The only thing that makes you know your alive is the bone piercing pain than spears through your heart and lungs every morning and every night.
That my fren is Bitter. Is that depression? I think my common sense is the only thing that is pulling me outta it. It's not holding long enough. Maybe I should just forget life. Nothing to remember anyway.
Gosh I wonder when will I just escape or just eventually fade away. either way I wont be here.that would be better. Watever tat is anyway.
Hong kong in 4 hours. woopa-deedoo.can you see how excited I am?
Play with e majestic @
3:50 AM
